BLOG BETTER THAN THE BIBLE

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Posted 1 week ago

FUCK EVERY SINGLE FOOTBALLL SONG IN THE UNIVERSE THAT ISN’T WORLD IN MOTION OR THREE LIONS. THIS IS THE BEST FOOTBALL SONG EVER. SUPPORT IT. PLEASE. I WANT IT TO BE MENTIONED ON A LAD’S MAG OR SOMETHING,

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Posted 3 weeks ago

BEST DAY EVER.

Sunday May 6th. And I was about to attend a christening. Now, I vowed to myself in 2004 to never attend another Christening again after being bored out of my arse during my auntie’s daughter’s Christening. That was a God awful day. But this was the christening of my cousin’s son. And she’s been like a sister to me for the past decade since the untimely death of my awesome Mum. So I swallowed my pride, and did it. For my awesome mum. But I had an ace up my sleeve. An apple based ace…

In 2004, I didn’t have an mp3 player. I had a shitty walkman, but I didn’t think to bring it with me during the ceremony. But this time, I had an i-Pod. And I was ready to blast out some tunes so I don’t have to listen to those awful hymns. I thought “The ink is black? The page is white? NAAAAAAAH MATE! I’m too busy listening to Hatebreed to care”. I get to the church. Now I usually dress like I’m Fred Durst or a late 90’s skateboarder, but I was wearing a suit, so everybody either said “awww you look smart” or “I didn’t recognize you there”.I felt patronized. As I got into the church, I switched my mp3 player on. The immense “12 Inches Of Meat” by McKinDog played (YouTube it and thank me later). With such great lyrics as “I stick my dick in and it will get stuck” and “so lock up your kids cos I don’t give a fuck”, I wondered what the lord would have thought of it all. I felt like a total rebel. The whole thing got off to a flying start when on the programme, the baby getting Christened, Finley, was spelt as “Sinley”. Cool irony bro.

I take my seat, and I am sat next to my relatives from Exeter, and my grandad (aka Dan Dan). I have my earphones plugged to my ears, and I am ready to listen to some tunes whilst the vicar spouts off some Jesus garbage. But oh no! Tragedy struck. My cousin and her boyfriend (who was also getting christened. It was a shock to everyone) were sitting right in front of me! I had to be quick and I had to be thorough. If they caught me listening to tunes whilst the ceremony was happening, they would never forgive me. Thankfully, I have lovely long hair, and a 90’s surfer hair cut like a reject from Point Break, so I took off my hair band, and I hid my ears with my hair. It did the trick. And I was in for a very bitching time.

HIGHLIGHTS

- Dan Dan cracking jokes with me. That was fucking cool man. I love that man.

- As the vicar was spouting stuff, the intro of Ice T’s Cop Killa played. So I imagined the vicar was Ice T and tried so hard not to laugh at the thought of him expressing wanting to “take a pig out in the parking lot, and shoot his fucking brains out”

- Andrew WK’s Party Hard playing during a hymn, and me singing and nodding my head to it. Oh man, that was one of the best experiences ever. People singing about Jesus. Me singing Party Hard.

- The vicar for some bizarre reason talking about James Bond! It was weird. He asked everyone who had seen Diamonds Are Forever, then goes on and on about the gadgets, including cutting a golf ball, and a fountain pen that has a map inside. He paused for five seconds, then said “And baby Finley…”. Everybody didn’t know what the fuck he was on about. It was awesome.

-When they were giving out bread and water, around four people, including my Dad, encouraged me to go up and get some for myself. What? The bread, which they had probably bought in the Co-Op across the road, did not appeal to me. The wines were in shot glasses, and I instantly thought of some hen night disgraceful slags just knocking them back before copping off with some bloke.

And that was the Christening. I saw my fucking awesome cousin WILL VAN HALEN~! soon after. He had the same idea as me. Bring an mp3 player and listen to some tunes. He wasn’t so lucky. His Dad told him off a few times. He couldn’t even use the internet on the phone. Neither could I, because the fucking signal in the church was balls.

We moved on to the Ford Conservative Club. Yes, it’s a Tory club. I was one of the only few left wing people at the building. It was going to get awesome though, as Nick and Steve turned up later. Steve bought me a pint. What a good man. Shame I puked that pint, as well as the Carling Zest I bought, in the toilet. I also had puked up the chocolate biscuits I bought in Co-Op. Part of me was gutted, but another part was like “At least I could lose weight from this”.

We had an epic Snooker match. Now, the game of snooker would originally last half an hour? Maybe 45 minutes? THIS LASTED TWO HOURS! TWO! HOURS! My team ended up losing. Totally my fault. I kept spacking up my shots, which racked up points for them. I did a superb kick on the light machine. I still got it.

We went to a gig. It was The Dantes. I don’t remember much. After, we went to Bac Bar. They have a stripper pole there. Now stripper poles are associated with tantalising ladies turning on creepy sweaty business men who usually pay for sex. But when I had a turn, I was trying to break records for the most spins. I was really getting into it. 10 was my best. People just watched on thinking “Who the fuck is this?”. Next time I’m there, I am trying 11 spins.

I just noticed I’ve started three paragraphs with the word “We”. I am the new Julian Radbourne, but more confident and sexy.

In Skiving Skolar, we sang Nickleback, Guns And Roses, A, and Puddle Of Mudd. I didn’t give a fuck who was watching. I felt like top of the world. It beat sitting at home watching old WWF PPV’s anyway.

Back at Will’s house, where for the next four hours, we got off our fucking faces whilst listening to classical music, Pink Floyd, Begging For Incest whilst pushing the trolley. Also talked about the galaxy, spaghetti Gods and dark matter. I don’t remember the rest.

BEST DAY EVER.

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Posted 1 month ago

The time Holly Valance told me her favourite Metallica song

It was 2010, and I was bored out of my arse. I couldn’t be bothered to go on the X-Box 360 or something, so I watched TV. Probably EastEnders. Probably Rogue Traders. Probably the news. It doesn’t matter. Instantly, for some random reason, I had a flashback to a dream where Holly Valance was telling Jamie Theakston that Harvester Of Sorrow was her favourite Metallica song on the 90’s TV show, The O-Zone.

Then it bothered me. Does Holly Valance really blast out the …And Justice For All album? Does she really sing along to James Hetfield yelling “HARVESTER OF SORROOOOOOOOOOOW”? Did she have a good giggle about Jason Newsted’s bass being turned down low? I wanted to know. I needed to know.

Most people my age back then (25) are happily married and have beautiful children. Me? I went on the social networking site Twitter via my really fucking shit Blackberry Curve 8520, about to ask Holly Valance a question that most men would be intimidated to ask: What is your favourite Metallica song? I thought “She will ignore me. I am a civilian and I am not a Twitter legend like The Man Who Fell Asleep or TAFKA The Fag Casanova. I’m just danimal1985, someone who accidentally offends celebrities like Keith Chegwin and the man who wrote Father Ted.” It was a longshot, but I was going to ask FHM’s Sexiest Woman In The World 2003 (I assume).

I forgot about it for a few days later after that. Too busy teaching novice users the basics of using a computer. Piece of piss job. So one night I am home. Bored out of my arse. Not bothering to go on the X-Box 360. Probably watching EastEnders, Lockie Leonard, Barney The Dinosaur whatever. Then my fucking shit Blackberry Curve 8520 tells me I have recieved a tweet. “Oooh, little innocent @danimal1985 has a tweet”, I thought. I checked it, and it was only HOLLY VALANCE! The Holly Valance that was on Neighbours. The Holly Valance that did that Kiss Kiss song that still gets played on The Vault. Hell, I got her less successful single Naughty Girl on cassette because I wanted to spend every penny on my Woolworths voucher after getting American Pie 2 on DVD. I was stoked.

In regards to her favourite Metallica song, she said this.

“The one that goes doo doo doo doo doo doo”.

Instantly, I knew she was talking about Enter Sandman. I informed her that it was the song she was thinking of, and she said “hahahaha yes! That’s the one”. And that was my only interaction with the Australian actress. She went on to be on a dancing show. I went on to be threatened by the 80’s wife beating DJ Bruno Brooks on Twitter.

But still, not Heat Magazine, not OK, or any other shit gossip mag got that exclusive. I did. I am the King Of Exclusives as far as I am concerned.

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Posted 1 month ago

My Shit Tumblr.: An Open Letter on Glamour.

simwisesucks:

I wrote this as a letter to The Guardian in response to an article I read yesterday by Terri White. I doubt they will print it, so I thought I would share it here to see what you guys think.

Please share, I think it has some important messages:

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I read your article by Terri White with some…

via simwisesucks

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Posted 1 month ago

The many faces and emotions from Derek Branning: True East End Hero.

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Posted 1 month ago